Watch Your Baby Play
Our Readers Ask:
I have a two year old boy who gets into the bathtub with his toys and completely shuts me out! He runs his cars and boats up and down the edge of the tub, humming to himself or talking to the toys, and pays no attention to me, even though I'm sitting right there on the floor next to him. If I try to join in the play, he acts like I am an evil witch intruding on him! He pushes my hand away and just turns further around. I feel left out, and honestly, sometimes my feelings are hurt. He does this when we play on the floor, too, but it isn’t so obvious, because I'm not usually sitting so close to him as I am at bath time. But, despite all this, if I move away for an instant, he gets really cranky. Should I be upset? Should I insist he include me?
Your question comes up with nearly every parent of a toddler, believe it or not. In fact, we have termed this behavior “watched play,” because it is so universal. Until recently, it wasn’t really labeled, and parents like yourself became distressed and resentful, or worse, would retaliate by leaving to attend to other things when their toddler became absorbed in playing in his own world.
There are two kinds of play: the kind you are used to, called "reciprocal play," in which you and your child take turns participating in activity or game together, like feeding each other in the toy kitchen, building a block tower, or playing back and forth with cars. Meanwhile, the kind of play that is upsetting you, “watched play,” is a state of play wherein a child is absorbed in creating a play world in his own imagination, but still needs you to be there next to him to help him regulate his feelings.
Although it's not readily apparent, your child is using you as an anchor for the feelings he is expressing in his play. Having you near to him while he plays in this way is very important, especially if the feelings in question are negative ones—this may look like competition between cars, or aggressive impulses that he imagines the cars to have, or fears of retaliation between the imaginary figures or vehicles.
At this age, children are forming their ability to manage their feelings, and play is a way of regulating them in which they can practice self-control through controlling their cars or baby dolls. Because of their cognitive immaturity, children between 2 and 3 years old can’t really understand when they will be punished for their bad thoughts, as may happen during the proverbial “terrible twos,” and when they won’t. (Parents are often equally confused!) Play helps them work this out, a process that begins to take hold from ages 3-5.
If you experience this, by no means abandon your child to use the phone or the computer! He really does need you to sit there, quietly, competently monitoring those feelings you can’t see, as difficult as it may be to do so. There will be plenty of reciprocal play at other times.
And, by the way, a young child who feels safe playing “alone” due to the silent presence of his parent nearby becomes the older child who will be able to do his homework "alone” with you near to him in a similar fashion. At that point, he’ll probably feel safe enough to let you read a magazine!
-- Dr. S and Dr. G
