Tantrums and a Toddler's Sense of Time
Our Readers Ask:
My son is approaching the period often associated with great
difficulty. I know toddlerhood is widely described as a time of rapid
growth. I am trying to understand my
child’s temper tantrums and frustration—I understand why he may have a tantrum
when I leave him, but why does he tantrum when we are out together?
One of the major reasons a toddler begins to tantrum is exactly
what you pointed to- he becomes acutely aware of leave-takings, both yours, and
his! He has no control over when you leave or come home, nor does he have
control over when he goes out or comes back, or whether you will be there or
not. For example, you could be at the park together, having a “good time.” From
his point of view, he has some sense that as long as you are in the park together,
he has you to himself. But when he gets home, you will suddenly become busy
with chores, get on the phone, or reunite with his siblings. He may feel torn:
he is happy right now in the park with you, but he also misses home, and he
can’t know how long you will be out, how much time will elapse before he gets
home, nor how long you will stay with him when he gets home. What to do? Throw
a fit!
Why? A two-year-old thinks of time in two categories: “now” and
“not now.” He does not yet have a concept of “two more minutes,” “yesterday,” or
“in 2 weeks.” Even if he knows these words, he will often use them incorrectly:
“yesterday” was actually earlier today! He derives no comfort from Mommy
telling him, “Don’t worry, I’m only going out for half an hour,” or even “I’ll
be home to give you a bath.”
In addition, the
tantrums come about because toddlers (18 month olds – 2 1/2 year olds) are notoriously
bad at regulating themselves. They feel emotions strongly and have little
ability to control them. In addition to lacking the cognitive skill to tell
time, they also lack something we call “object constancy.” This term refers to the
ability on the part of a child to hold in mind where Mommy is, as well as where
“home” is. A 15 month old will be content to be in a strange environment, as
long as all of his people and things are the same; his “home” has come with
him. A 2 year old both “knows” he is out of the “home,” and can miss his home,
but without being able to say so. However, a 3 year old can say, and understand what he
means, when he says, “I want to go home.”
At almost
exactly 3 years to the minute, a toddler undergoes a salient cognitive change
based on the progressive advances in myelinization of the fibers in the
cognitive centers of his brain, advances that give him the ability to
understand “the bigger picture” in every respect. He suddenly can understand
“time” and days of the week, and sequences, like “I’ll read to you in 15 minutes,
as soon as I’m done feeding the baby,” make sense to him. What’s more, he has
increasingly developed the ability to control his emotions, and has learned to
express himself more clearly. All of these developmental changes give him more
control over himself, and the opportunity to make more sense of separations.
-- Dr. S & Dr. G
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