Tantrums and a Toddler's Sense of Time

Our Readers Ask:

My son is approaching the period often associated with great difficulty. I know toddlerhood is widely described as a time of rapid growth.  I am trying to understand my child’s temper tantrums and frustration—I understand why he may have a tantrum when I leave him, but why does he tantrum when we are out together?

One of the major reasons a toddler begins to tantrum is exactly what you pointed to- he becomes acutely aware of leave-takings, both yours, and his! He has no control over when you leave or come home, nor does he have control over when he goes out or comes back, or whether you will be there or not. For example, you could be at the park together, having a “good time.” From his point of view, he has some sense that as long as you are in the park together, he has you to himself. But when he gets home, you will suddenly become busy with chores, get on the phone, or reunite with his siblings. He may feel torn: he is happy right now in the park with you, but he also misses home, and he can’t know how long you will be out, how much time will elapse before he gets home, nor how long you will stay with him when he gets home. What to do? Throw a fit!

Why? A two-year-old thinks of time in two categories: “now” and “not now.” He does not yet have a concept of “two more minutes,” “yesterday,” or “in 2 weeks.” Even if he knows these words, he will often use them incorrectly: “yesterday” was actually earlier today! He derives no comfort from Mommy telling him, “Don’t worry, I’m only going out for half an hour,” or even “I’ll be home to give you a bath.”

In addition, the tantrums come about because toddlers (18 month olds – 2 1/2 year olds) are notoriously bad at regulating themselves. They feel emotions strongly and have little ability to control them. In addition to lacking the cognitive skill to tell time, they also lack something we call “object constancy.” This term refers to the ability on the part of a child to hold in mind where Mommy is, as well as where “home” is. A 15 month old will be content to be in a strange environment, as long as all of his people and things are the same; his “home” has come with him. A 2 year old both “knows” he is out of the “home,” and can miss his home, but without being able to say so. However, a 3 year old can say, and understand what he means, when he says, “I want to go home.”

At almost exactly 3 years to the minute, a toddler undergoes a salient cognitive change based on the progressive advances in myelinization of the fibers in the cognitive centers of his brain, advances that give him the ability to understand “the bigger picture” in every respect. He suddenly can understand “time” and days of the week, and sequences, like “I’ll read to you in 15 minutes, as soon as I’m done feeding the baby,” make sense to him. What’s more, he has increasingly developed the ability to control his emotions, and has learned to express himself more clearly. All of these developmental changes give him more control over himself, and the opportunity to make more sense of separations. 

-- Dr. S & Dr. G

Sibling Spacing: Waiting 3 or More Years

Our Readers Ask:

My husband and I have been thinking about having a second child, but our first child, now 2 and ½, just seems like such a baby still; we are thinking about waiting another year or more, but wonder if we are making a mistake, since everyone we know seems to be having their second child already!

There are several common reasons people have their children close together. There are parental age and fertility concerns. Parents may want to get the really tough, sleepless years over with sooner than later. Those who liked having a little baby may miss that stage when they encounter the more complex demands of toddlerhood. Some parents want their children to be close in age to foster closeness between the siblings.

It is important to try to tune out the “everyone is doing it” mentality. There are several reasons it may be preferable to wait more than 3 years to have your next child.

A child over 3 who has mastered the art of going to school by himself, or of tolerating longer periods of separation from his mom, is on his way to achieving an important psychological milestone: object constancy. This refers to the ability of a child to keep his mother in mind at all times, even when she is not present, as a comforting and loving figure inside his mind.

The main experience young children have when new babies are born is one of both real and imagined loss—real in the sense that Mommy’s time and energy are divided, and imagined in the sense that all children worry their mom has chosen the baby over them, has brought the baby into the family as a replacement, has lost interest in the first child—or worse, has rejected the first child because they are bad. Even children in the most loving and secure families have thoughts like these. A child who is closer to achieving object constancy (usually not fully developed until age 5!) is more able to balance these thoughts with other thoughts: “My mommy still loves me and cares about me”; “I am special and could never be replaced.”

But, your friends say, my child has been separating from me at daycare every day since she was 3 months old, and still seems to be securely attached: she must have object constancy, even at the age of 2! We think there is a difference between having a healthy attachment and having truly achieved object constancy. Young kids with working moms adapt to separations primarily by attaching to surrogate figures during the day. They do retain a sense of mother, and a knowledge she will return. But the birth of a sibling is an emotional challenge of a different order. The child with incomplete object constancy is less sure of the stability of mother’s love and positive regard for them. Negative thoughts ring louder and truer, and the positive thoughts that mitigate them are harder to access. The child with more complete object constancy has a better chance of mentally surviving, and developing a tolerant and even loving orientation toward the baby. This is no small matter.

Of course, the main factor in how a child achieves object constancy is the security of the attachment between mother and child. A child whose mother is sensitive and attuned to their difficulties in becoming an older sibling, who takes time out every day to do pleasurable things alone with her first born, and who makes that child feel special, is better off than an only child whose mother does not make these efforts.  

-- Dr. S & Dr. G