Communicating With Your Newborn

Our Readers Ask:

I recently had my first child, and for some reason it’s been difficult to find the right time and the right place to talk to her. She doesn't really make eye contact with me when she's feeding, and I'm afraid of overexciting her so that she won't fall asleep.  How important is it to talk to your newborn, and how do you do it? 

This question is asked frequently by many of the new mothers we see, and we can’t stress enough the importance of parents talking to their babies right from the beginning. In fact, we now know that your baby has been listening to you for quite some time from inside the womb!

Many new parents wonder when they can find the time and opportunity to make eye contact with their infants and talk to them directly. Besides the fact that most new parents' time is spent in the often overwhelming cycles of feeding, burping, bathing, and putting the baby to sleep, it can sometimes seem that their babies aren't really receptive to interaction. While some babies are born with a noticeably fixed gaze (which can look as though they are seeing you perfectly well, although this is not possible), many babies don't seem to seek eye contact with their parents at all during the first weeks or longer. Your baby sounds like she is one of those perfectly normal babies who seem to be more prone to looking around while she is at the bottle or breast. Some babies actually can't see their mothers' faces very well during nursing, due to the size and shape of the breast. Once, we had a new mother client who was certain that her baby didn't love her because her child would only stare at the chandelier while nursing, or at some random object, and never made eye contact at all! To top it off, fussy babies--who are also completely normal--are difficult to engage.

We find that a good time for “conversation” is during diapering, since the diapering table provides just the right distance both for making eye contact and for capturing your baby’s attention. By talking to her as you change her, she will follow your voice and will try to focus on your face, gradually developing the ability to mirror your expression. Even as a newborn, she is sensitive to your tone of voice, and although she does not know what you are saying, she will be bonding with you through this contact.

A newborn baby doesn't yet have the ability to see your facial features, but she can perceive the tone of your voice. Babies respond best to a somewhat high-pitched but gentle tone of voice, and you can say just about anything you like. Cooing and repeating sounds in a rhythmic lilt, smiling, and nodding your head up and down as you talk to her are all typical approaches. Because diapering occurs many times a day, it provides you with the consistent opportunity for a joyful experience. Learning your special sounds, repetition in your singing, and the motions of your head all help her develop a sense of pattern which is an essential part of a baby's development. Soon you will find her babbling back to you, trying to mimic you. You will know when she has begun to fully recognize you as a whole when she begins to respond gleefully to you by waving her arms or even trying to grab your face! 

Your baby will be best able to develop the same sense of recognition of her daddy's voice (and that of other important people in her life) if he is regularly incorporated into her routines. You may notice that other women who talk to her in a similar tone and speech pattern to the one you use will bring to her face the same smile of recognition, in contrast to a "strange" or gruff voice that she hasn't heard before. Sometimes, grandmothers who have "forgotten" how to talk to babies will feel dismayed or rejected when their new granddaughters don't immediately smile with joy on first meeting them!

Another time you can make eye contact is while changing your baby’s clothes, such as on the changing table, on the bed, or while she is sitting or lying on your lap. Any time you find that there is a few feet between the two of you, take advantage of it by "chatting" about what you are doing and where the two of you are going.

We also encourage mothers to begin to make little "conversations" with their babies by asking them questions and then allowing a pause, even if the baby cannot answer. This teaches the baby the rhythm of conversations and, again, builds a sense of reciprocity that will help your baby develop the internal rhythms that help her regulate herself as she grows.

During activities in which you cannot make eye contact (such as while burping, riding in a carrier, etc.), you can still make the most of the time with your baby by talking to her and describing whatever you are doing. Your baby will be comforted by your voice, and no matter whether you are talking to her as to a companion, singing to her as she is being soothed, or something else entirely, she will begin to understand how interested you are in her.

Rest assured you do not need to talk to your baby the entire time that she is  awake. Striking the right balance for you and your baby is important. 

The difficulties in talking to an infant who cannot understand or respond to you can cause some mothers to become unwittingly prone to ignoring interaction with their babies a bit too much. It's tempting to linger on the phone while feeding the baby; after all, she doesn't seem to mind! But time you spend with your baby should be special, and if possible, try to give her as much undivided attention as you can.

--Dr. S and Dr. G

A Baby's Ability to Self-Soothe

Our Readers Ask:

I currently have a 2 month old baby. Although I am a stay at home mother, I tend to the house and also pay the bills, which is time consuming. I love my baby and obviously do not want to leave him alone, or upset him while I am working. For this reason, I am wondering when and how does a baby develop the capacity to soothe himself? Is there anything I can do to help the process? Thanks!

This is a great question because there is a common misconception that young infants should be encouraged to self-soothe. While the ability to self soothe starts in infancy, over the course of the first few months of life, a baby must first develop a sense of his mother taking care of him, from which he will create an internal model of soothing and care taking. Babies develop the ability to amuse themselves for brief periods of time around 2-4 months, at which time Mother is often surprised to come into her baby’s nursery and find him awake, looking around his crib, and maybe even babbling to himself or making cooing sounds. Later on, from about 4-6 months, this process can also include a developing interest in his feet and hands, reaching for things in and around his crib, and turning himself over. Eventually, a baby’s ability to explore his environment, and entertain himself without his mother in view, is wonderful and rewarding evidence that he has experienced his mothering as “good enough,” and now, he doesn't need his mother to be there immediately at all times.

However, although the ability to self-soothe may be emerging during the first 6 months, you should neither depend on this, nor try to foster it. Babies as young as yours will not benefit from being left, even temporarily, to “figure it out.” They will become better self-soothers by reliably being soothed by you in this early period. Steadily, over time, as your baby begins to identify himself as a person, separate from you (6 months and beyond), he integrates his experience of being cared for into an ability to do the same thing for himself.

I appreciate how difficult this can be, but try to bring him wherever you go, in his bassinet or on some blankets, or perhaps you could carry him in a sling or pack as you work. Also, talking to him while you work is a great way to connect with your infant. Babies love to hear the sound of Mother's voice, which they recognize more quickly than they recognize Mother's face. And, check on him frequently during his "awake" time, smiling and cooing to him--it will pay off in the end!

--Dr. S and Dr. G