Sibling Spacing: Waiting 3 or More Years

Our Readers Ask:

My husband and I have been thinking about having a second child, but our first child, now 2 and ½, just seems like such a baby still; we are thinking about waiting another year or more, but wonder if we are making a mistake, since everyone we know seems to be having their second child already!

There are several common reasons people have their children close together. There are parental age and fertility concerns. Parents may want to get the really tough, sleepless years over with sooner than later. Those who liked having a little baby may miss that stage when they encounter the more complex demands of toddlerhood. Some parents want their children to be close in age to foster closeness between the siblings.

It is important to try to tune out the “everyone is doing it” mentality. There are several reasons it may be preferable to wait more than 3 years to have your next child.

A child over 3 who has mastered the art of going to school by himself, or of tolerating longer periods of separation from his mom, is on his way to achieving an important psychological milestone: object constancy. This refers to the ability of a child to keep his mother in mind at all times, even when she is not present, as a comforting and loving figure inside his mind.

The main experience young children have when new babies are born is one of both real and imagined loss—real in the sense that Mommy’s time and energy are divided, and imagined in the sense that all children worry their mom has chosen the baby over them, has brought the baby into the family as a replacement, has lost interest in the first child—or worse, has rejected the first child because they are bad. Even children in the most loving and secure families have thoughts like these. A child who is closer to achieving object constancy (usually not fully developed until age 5!) is more able to balance these thoughts with other thoughts: “My mommy still loves me and cares about me”; “I am special and could never be replaced.”

But, your friends say, my child has been separating from me at daycare every day since she was 3 months old, and still seems to be securely attached: she must have object constancy, even at the age of 2! We think there is a difference between having a healthy attachment and having truly achieved object constancy. Young kids with working moms adapt to separations primarily by attaching to surrogate figures during the day. They do retain a sense of mother, and a knowledge she will return. But the birth of a sibling is an emotional challenge of a different order. The child with incomplete object constancy is less sure of the stability of mother’s love and positive regard for them. Negative thoughts ring louder and truer, and the positive thoughts that mitigate them are harder to access. The child with more complete object constancy has a better chance of mentally surviving, and developing a tolerant and even loving orientation toward the baby. This is no small matter.

Of course, the main factor in how a child achieves object constancy is the security of the attachment between mother and child. A child whose mother is sensitive and attuned to their difficulties in becoming an older sibling, who takes time out every day to do pleasurable things alone with her first born, and who makes that child feel special, is better off than an only child whose mother does not make these efforts.  

-- Dr. S & Dr. G

Sibling Spacing

Our Readers Ask:

I have a 10-month-old and would like to plan the ideal spacing between our children.  My husband and I have been given so much conflicting advice!  We think it’s better for our kids to be closer in age, and get all of the bottles and diapers out of the way, but we worry that  spacing them 2 years apart or less will cause more sibling rivalry. 

There is no one way to do this---if there was, everyone who could control their reproduction would have caught on by now! There are pros and cons to each degree of spacing, and the solution depends, in part, on which of the issues is more important to you, to your life style, and,  believe it or not,  to where you fit into your family of origin. Did you—maybe, do you-- fight like crazy with your little sister, who was only 18 months younger than you? Or do you feel too distant from your 4-years-older brother? Ironically, we often try to undo the mistakes we think our parents made by doing the opposite with our children.

 Let’s start with how your child will react to the introduction of a sibling. As wonderful as it is to have a sibling, for a child under 3, the experience of adjusting to a baby is primarily stressful. Think about it: he is giving up a great deal of mother’s time and attention, he has to share his space with an extremely needy and disruptive other person (who may be keeping the whole house, himself included, up at night), and despite probably having expressed a wish for a little brother or sister, he could not have anticipated what that actually would mean to his everyday routine.

Often, in fact, parents respond in desperation to their first-born whining about having to share Mommy, "But you wanted a baby sister! " Needless to say, that can only make her feel more terrible about having unwittingly brought this doom upon herself and her tired, cranky, overwhelmed mommy!

Children under 3 are not yet cognitively equipped to understand that Mommy is occupied with another little being who needs her just as much or more than they do. Plus, toddlers (18 month olds – 2 1/2) are notoriously bad at regulating themselves. They feel emotions strongly and have little ability to control them.  They don’t have enough language skills, either, to express their feelings, and may let you know how they feel by refusing the potty, or regressing to hitting, biting, or throwing.

But, there is a plus side to spacing children closer together, in addition to the practical reality of getting the diapers and gear out of the way. Firstly, on the other side of the cognitive coin, children under two have not really formed a concrete sense of themselves as separate little beings. This lack of differentiation between “self” and “other” can make the older child feel more like a twin to the younger one. This can foster a much closer relationship, more intense and mutually gratifying, making them into “buddies” and “best friends” for life. They share the same toys right from the start, more or less, can enjoy each other’s play-dates and friends, be more on the same wavelength in school and in their ongoing everyday experiences. They also share the same view of their parents; children who are spaced very far apart often see their parents differently, as parents evolve themselves –emotionally, financially, educationally, even politically, over the course of their adult development. 

In our next blog, we’ll talk about pros and cons of spacing your children further apart!

--Dr. S & Dr. G