Watch Your Baby Play

Our Readers Ask:

I have a two year old boy who gets into the bathtub with his toys and completely shuts me out! He runs his cars and boats up and down the edge of the tub, humming to himself or talking to the toys, and pays no attention to me, even though I'm sitting right there on the floor next to him. If I try to join in the play, he acts like I am an evil witch intruding on him! He pushes my hand away and just turns further around. I feel left out, and honestly, sometimes my feelings are hurt. He does this when we play on the floor, too, but it isn’t so obvious, because I'm not usually sitting so close to him as I am at bath time. But, despite all this, if I move away for an instant, he gets really cranky. Should I be upset? Should I insist he include me? 

Your question comes up with nearly every parent of a toddler, believe it or not. In fact, we have termed this behavior “watched play,” because it is so universal. Until recently, it wasn’t really labeled, and parents like yourself became distressed and resentful, or worse, would retaliate by leaving to attend to other things when their toddler became absorbed in playing in his own world.

There are two kinds of play: the kind you are used to, called "reciprocal play," in which you and your child take turns participating in activity or game together, like feeding each other in the toy kitchen, building a block tower, or playing back and forth with cars. Meanwhile, the kind of play that is upsetting you, “watched play,” is a state of play wherein a child is absorbed in creating a play world in his own imagination, but still needs you to be there next to him to help him regulate his feelings. 

Although it's not readily apparent, your child is using you as an anchor for the feelings he is expressing in his play. Having you near to him while he plays in this way is very important, especially if the feelings in question are negative ones—this may look like competition between cars, or aggressive impulses that he imagines the cars to have, or fears of retaliation between the imaginary figures or vehicles. 

At this age, children are forming their ability to manage their feelings, and play is a way of regulating them in which they can practice self-control through controlling their cars or baby dolls. Because of their cognitive immaturity, children between 2 and 3 years old can’t really understand when they will be punished for their bad thoughts, as may happen during the proverbial “terrible twos,” and when they won’t. (Parents are often equally confused!) Play helps them work this out, a process that begins to take hold from ages 3-5.

If you experience this, by no means abandon your child to use the phone or the computer! He really does need you to sit there, quietly, competently monitoring those feelings you can’t see, as difficult as it may be to do so. There will be plenty of reciprocal play at other times. 

And, by the way, a young child who feels safe playing “alone” due to the silent presence of his parent nearby becomes the older child who will be able to do his homework "alone” with you near to him in a similar fashion. At that point, he’ll probably feel safe enough to let you read a magazine!

-- Dr. S and Dr. G

Tantrums and a Toddler's Sense of Time

Our Readers Ask:

My son is approaching the period often associated with great difficulty. I know toddlerhood is widely described as a time of rapid growth.  I am trying to understand my child’s temper tantrums and frustration—I understand why he may have a tantrum when I leave him, but why does he tantrum when we are out together?

One of the major reasons a toddler begins to tantrum is exactly what you pointed to- he becomes acutely aware of leave-takings, both yours, and his! He has no control over when you leave or come home, nor does he have control over when he goes out or comes back, or whether you will be there or not. For example, you could be at the park together, having a “good time.” From his point of view, he has some sense that as long as you are in the park together, he has you to himself. But when he gets home, you will suddenly become busy with chores, get on the phone, or reunite with his siblings. He may feel torn: he is happy right now in the park with you, but he also misses home, and he can’t know how long you will be out, how much time will elapse before he gets home, nor how long you will stay with him when he gets home. What to do? Throw a fit!

Why? A two-year-old thinks of time in two categories: “now” and “not now.” He does not yet have a concept of “two more minutes,” “yesterday,” or “in 2 weeks.” Even if he knows these words, he will often use them incorrectly: “yesterday” was actually earlier today! He derives no comfort from Mommy telling him, “Don’t worry, I’m only going out for half an hour,” or even “I’ll be home to give you a bath.”

In addition, the tantrums come about because toddlers (18 month olds – 2 1/2 year olds) are notoriously bad at regulating themselves. They feel emotions strongly and have little ability to control them. In addition to lacking the cognitive skill to tell time, they also lack something we call “object constancy.” This term refers to the ability on the part of a child to hold in mind where Mommy is, as well as where “home” is. A 15 month old will be content to be in a strange environment, as long as all of his people and things are the same; his “home” has come with him. A 2 year old both “knows” he is out of the “home,” and can miss his home, but without being able to say so. However, a 3 year old can say, and understand what he means, when he says, “I want to go home.”

At almost exactly 3 years to the minute, a toddler undergoes a salient cognitive change based on the progressive advances in myelinization of the fibers in the cognitive centers of his brain, advances that give him the ability to understand “the bigger picture” in every respect. He suddenly can understand “time” and days of the week, and sequences, like “I’ll read to you in 15 minutes, as soon as I’m done feeding the baby,” make sense to him. What’s more, he has increasingly developed the ability to control his emotions, and has learned to express himself more clearly. All of these developmental changes give him more control over himself, and the opportunity to make more sense of separations. 

-- Dr. S & Dr. G