Sibling Spacing
Our Readers Ask:
I have a 10-month-old and would like to plan the ideal spacing between our children. My husband and I have been given so much conflicting advice! We think it’s better for our kids to be closer in age, and get all of the bottles and diapers out of the way, but we worry that spacing them 2 years apart or less will cause more sibling rivalry.
There is no one way to do this---if there was, everyone who could control their reproduction would have caught on by now! There are pros and cons to each degree of spacing, and the solution depends, in part, on which of the issues is more important to you, to your life style, and, believe it or not, to where you fit into your family of origin. Did you—maybe, do you-- fight like crazy with your little sister, who was only 18 months younger than you? Or do you feel too distant from your 4-years-older brother? Ironically, we often try to undo the mistakes we think our parents made by doing the opposite with our children.
Let’s start with how your child will react to the introduction of a sibling. As wonderful as it is to have a sibling, for a child under 3, the experience of adjusting to a baby is primarily stressful. Think about it: he is giving up a great deal of mother’s time and attention, he has to share his space with an extremely needy and disruptive other person (who may be keeping the whole house, himself included, up at night), and despite probably having expressed a wish for a little brother or sister, he could not have anticipated what that actually would mean to his everyday routine.
Often, in fact, parents respond in desperation to their first-born whining about having to share Mommy, "But you wanted a baby sister! " Needless to say, that can only make her feel more terrible about having unwittingly brought this doom upon herself and her tired, cranky, overwhelmed mommy!
Children under 3 are not yet cognitively equipped to understand that Mommy is occupied with another little being who needs her just as much or more than they do. Plus, toddlers (18 month olds – 2 1/2) are notoriously bad at regulating themselves. They feel emotions strongly and have little ability to control them. They don’t have enough language skills, either, to express their feelings, and may let you know how they feel by refusing the potty, or regressing to hitting, biting, or throwing.
But, there is a plus side to spacing children closer together, in addition to the practical reality of getting the diapers and gear out of the way. Firstly, on the other side of the cognitive coin, children under two have not really formed a concrete sense of themselves as separate little beings. This lack of differentiation between “self” and “other” can make the older child feel more like a twin to the younger one. This can foster a much closer relationship, more intense and mutually gratifying, making them into “buddies” and “best friends” for life. They share the same toys right from the start, more or less, can enjoy each other’s play-dates and friends, be more on the same wavelength in school and in their ongoing everyday experiences. They also share the same view of their parents; children who are spaced very far apart often see their parents differently, as parents evolve themselves –emotionally, financially, educationally, even politically, over the course of their adult development.
In our next blog, we’ll talk about pros and cons of spacing your children further apart!
--Dr. S & Dr. G
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