Ask Dr. S and Dr. G

Supermom Issues: Time Allocation

Our Readers Ask:

 I know there has been a lot written about combining child-rearing with work. However, I can’t find any way to deal with my very uncomfortable feeling that I am always in the wrong place at the wrong time! I can’t figure out just how much time is “enough” time to be at home. I was raised by a stay-at-home mom, and turned out to be “successful” in my career, I constantly worry that I am doing them a disservice by not being like my own mother!

The joys and satisfactions of combining a career with child-rearing are often offset by the uncomfortable emotions you are probably experiencing—anxiety, guilt, and self-doubt. Women who are ambitious and successful in the workplace usually have aspirations and expectations for their children that mirror their own paths to success. Having such expectations, but choosing not to be home full-time to implement them, invariably creates many areas of stress. You are feeling challenged by having to allocate your time. We presume this applies not only to dividing your time between your workplace and your children, but also to taking time with your spouse or partner, your extended family and friends, and yourself. Most women feel the most guilt about taking time out for a manicure, or trying to see an exhibit. Even without one’s own nagging thoughts, children are pretty guilt-provoking too: “Mommy, why didn’t you come to my play, all the other mothers were there!” or, just wondering and worrying about whether your toddler needs you more, but can’t yet say so.

Mothers who need to work in order to provide for their families tend to feel less guilty about being out of the house than women who have more freedom of choice. It is easier for a woman who has to work to support herself and her family to put in a specified amount of time at her job, that she can walk away from when she goes home at night. Although some jobs are more flexible, without fixed time requirements, in some ways those jobs can be more stressful. Primarily, guilt can arise about what amount of work is adequate to get the job done, such as having to travel or to take work home at night, or whether the number of hours  put in is directly related to one’s job advancement. The fast track in law firms has always struck us as one of the most stressful of all, especially now that we carry our iPhones in our pockets. The call from a client always seems impossibly pressing, but then so is the howling toddler who is trying to take your phone out of your hand!

Our advice is to worry less about whether or not you are splitting your time adequately, and instead focus on certain precepts that we think are important. First, be consistent and predictable. Make a routine for yourself, your child, and your caregiver (or day-care). You should have a stable routine, a schedule that your child understands (whether consciously or not,) and is dependable.  It is important to establish a routine around your departure and arrival, and keep to it. In addition, know when to transition your schedule in keeping with the fact that your child’s needs and capabilities change over time. For example, it is very easy to leave an infant for an unspecified amount of time: for him, it is “out of sight, out of mind.” But once your baby knows you, and your departure is very real for him, you should be mindful of keeping to a schedule so that he can anticipate that. For instance, you will be home during the week before bath-time, followed by a little play, story, and bedtime, and that you will always be home on the weekends. You will not want to come home and go out again within any three hour period—rush home to kiss him goodnight on the way out again to the theatre. It is better, then, that you not come home at all! The toddler period is traditionally the most difficult, as toddlers know “you are gone” but can’t really tell time, nor understand the concepts of hours, times of day, or sequence of days. At precisely age three, however, your child will suddenly know exactly what you mean when you say, “I won’t be home to kiss you goodnight tonight, but I will see you when you wake up in the morning!” He will also, hopefully, be able to listen to you, if not actually respond, when you call in, and not burst into tears of anguish.

The satisfaction at having one’s self-worth be measured by performance and success at work can be a great offset to depending upon, and being vulnerable to having one’s self-worth be measured by the academic, social, and creative achievements of one’s children. We really have less control on their “outcome” than we would like to think, no matter how much time we spend at home “child-rearing.” The identifications a developing adolescent might have made with individuals other than her own parents may often have propelled her into the workplace, and into professions even outside her own mother’s imaginings. These are important too—we form “ideals” about whom we are that are important in forming our identities, and in doing justice to them, we do not harm our children. 

--Dr. S & Dr. G